Before we became parents Mr G and I were, like most unencumbered adults, pretty darn clueless. I was reminded of this just this week when a co-worker posted pictures of his new-born and his first comment was along the lines of
Christ on a bike – how does something so small produce so much poop!
Since they are getting older and those times are passing, now seems like a good moment to reminisce over those first few experiences. Oh no, not the cute moments like the first smile, the first time that teeny little fist curled around my finger or the moment we introduced Sackgirl to her new baby brother. Nope, I’m talking about the other memorable moments.
5. Never put your child in a door bouncer for more than 5 minutes
As an introduction to the poop producing machines that are children, this was not so bad. For me. Mr G, on the other hand, had a look of pure horror and impending doom as he looked from me, pregnant with his first child, to our nephew, bouncing up and down in the doorway with small pellets and part formed logs dropping out of the bottom of his trousers and rolling across the floor.
The lesson here – never put your kids in a bouncer for more than 5 minutes. Clearly it shakes things loose and the only way is out.
4. A well fed baby is a barfing baby
Mr G learnt the hard way what happens if you take a baby, freshly filled with milk, and hold her in the air to play airplanes. Barf – in the mouth. What a shot!
3. Power poop
I’m sure it’s something to do with the size of the intestines, meaning that the smaller diameter of the tube produces a higher pressure, or something technical like that. But the fact is a baby can produce poop that erupts in a perfect with all the power of a projectile missile. Especially if you lift the legs in order to wipe the bum, producing an outcome not dissimilar to squeezing the end of a new tube of toothpaste.
2. Spray vomit
Now I know that I only fed my 6 month old daughter a single bowl of mashed carrot and potato yumminess, slightly slushy and milky, just the way she liked it. What she gave back to me was at least 5 bowls worth of orange and white puree.
The lesson here though, is not how much vomit a baby can produce. It’s what not to do when the vomit starts pouring out. For a start, don’t pick that baby up and start running towards the bathroom. Nope, that’s just like running down your clean, newly painted corridor with a water cannon aimed at the walls, trigger down, spray painting the cream in a fresh coat of orange, unwashable dye.
1. Clean clothes
As all new mothers soon learn, one change of clothes is never enough for a newborn. In fact, the number of clean clothes you need to take with you anywhere increases exponentially depending on how dressy the occasion or how inconvenient the moment.
Botboy, for example, was on his 4th change of clothes by the time we even sat on the plane, including one change on the bus from car park to terminal and one in the security queue. Luckily, being on my 2nd child I was better prepared and still had a change in my carry on for the take-off-vomit and the you-thought-you’d-made-it-landing-poop.
However I did learn this the hard way, after spending the better part of a hot sunny June wedding wearing a borrowed cardigan over my wet, smelly, stained dress and carting about a happy baby dressed only in a nappy, her own expensive new finery removed before anyone except the taxi driver got to appreciate it.
So – there you have it. Five randomly selected happy memories and lessons learnt that one way or another I will never forget, which will be brought up at the perfect future moments as a mother’s revenge.