Job Opening. New Friend. Apply Below.

My friends are weird. I attract weird friends.

Hello, my name is Piper, and I’m an oddball magnet.

OK, they are not all weird. But I do seem to have a quota for the ones who bring drama, hysteria and neediness into every day.

There was the girl I shared with at uni, who needed me to rush in at the drop of a hat every time she had a spat with her boyfriend, including the 58 times they split up in one year, and the time she pushed him down the stairs after he broke in and thought she had killed him. He was gone, by the way, when I got there. Very Mike Myers. I left her behind at uni and ran.

Then I had issues with a friend and manager at work, who ended our friendship when she became ill, and decided I had used some form of witchcraft to curse her.

A few years back there was a new mum, with a child the same age as mine. At first it was great to have a girl pal, for afternoon cake and a glass of wine. We had a great time sharing girly gossip and remembering that despite small children we were still young women. When being her friend began to take over my family life and marriage though, it was a bit much. We split up after she felt I should have left the side of my recently bereaved husband to hold her hand through her latest drama.

A month or so ago I had to make the decision once again to distance myself from a friend whose insecurities projected her into the centre of every situation. Well, the decision was made when she greeted my ‘good morning’ with a hail of abuse and foul language due to her crappy start to the day – the final straw to a long list of social inappropriateness.

It’s easy to judge another person’s behaviour 2nd hand. We get one side of a story and base our criticisms and opinions on that.

But in this case – I’m totally right, she is insane, and you should be with me on the need for space.

The only problem is – I don’t know if I am on my side. I vacillate between knowing no one has the right to speak to me like that, and being a total doormat whose aim in life is to smooth waters.

Luckily I have also got very strong minded people around me ready with a slap whenever I start curling beneath the weight of a backbone.

Anyway, that’s just one of the many things that has happened in the last 2 months since I last blogged. There’s plenty more. I’ll get to it soon.

In the meantime – ten things to be thankful for.

1. Thankfully, I manage to only attract them one at a time. Drama in pairs might be a touch too much.

2. Up to the final straw, I do pick friends who are entertaining in their drama, and provide me with amusement.

3. Being able to magnetically attract insanity might actually be a marketable skill.

4. I’m very accomplished at excusing eccentricity.

5. Certain situations provide great fodder for a blog post – if only I thought you would believe me.

6. One day, when I write my memoirs, they will be able to place copies in both the autobiography and the fantasy sections at the same time.

7. I have a whole different level of normal, which makes me very non-judgemental.

8. I’m learning how to stand up for myself – now, in my (mid to late) thirties. By the time I’m early 50, I’ll be able to say no to queue jumpers.

9. Sense of humour is an absolute requirement for this job. I happen to find myself quite funny. Is laughing at your own jokes a sign of madness? Really.

10. I have an opening for a new friend. (especially if I gave her the name of my blog – which I can’t remember) Must be insecure, demanding and dramatic. Able to insert themselves centrally to any given situation and make it about them. Must be convincingly normal until at least two months into the position. Apply below!

Would you be my friend?


TTOT – Carry On Camping


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Botboy, not bothered in the least that he had given me thirty minutes of hell.

I sat on the picnic blanket covering the wet sand, a slight twinge of worry in my stomach. My little boy, 5 years old, had just shot past me excitedly, swinging his bucket as he raced along the beach towards …

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angry neighbours

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My mind speaks.


I scream. A short, staccato burst of sound, burning with intensity, let out in a shriek of deep, furious anger. A scream of rage. I raise my hand and whip across his face with a resounding, satisfying slice that makes my hand …